In which I go to a runway show under an assumed name!

Now we're getting somewhere, the Carmen Marc Valvo show to be exact.  I mean, who goes to NYC during FashionWeek to loiter on the sidewalk like a bum and wear four days' worth of clothes at once and go to the Museum of Natural History just for the bathroom and the bag check and not be entirely confident what Manhattan neighborhood they're really in? 

Not me.

Ok, well, me. 

But let's not forget, awful h8ters, I have some connections in the industry, regardless of how reluctant. Just FYI, getting a very limited ticket to these shows is a matter of your importance to the designer. So, the editor of Vogue, the buyer for Niemans, the Connecticut-based mistress of an as-yet-unindicted hedge fund manager -- come right in, sit right down. Some rube from East Buttwhistle with a runny nose and a camera? Not as much. My connection, who shall remain nameless, had more tickets than she knew what to do with so, with the weight of maintaining her good name suppressing most of my natural impulses as well as my circulation, I tottered into the Nasdaq building on Times Square and announced I was someone else.  This, on top of library fines.

As other guests checked their furs and Burberry trenches, I unloaded the Cub backpack with a sodden thud that spoke strongly of a dead raccoon, and was immediately offered a glass of chardonnay. This is more like! This is how the quality live.  The antechamber was packed with finely dressed people who seemed to know each other. As we waited for the show to be fashionably late, I observed nearly all my peers with their phones pressed to their heads. Seeing as how I was impersonating someone normal, it seemed prudent to fit in, so I outed with my Dixie cup with the string attached...

My seat neighbor, above, caught my eye for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I am convinced he was merely pretending to have a conversation, jabbering into a silent phone until the house beat shook out our fillings and the show started. But also his violet and grey plaid pants! Love! And best of all, his padded parket! The only sport coat endorsed by Tenzing Norbu! Haute coature. Country club to base camp versatile! Keep your dehydrated dal in the zippered pocket! Goes well with frostbitten extremities! Ok, I'm finished. Out of rope.