Wednesday, January 23, 2013

is this Tom Ford's fault?

(I drew those white circles on my camera lens so that, in the rare event my clothes are not stained, I will still photograph normally)


It's mystery time mofos.  One puzzle I've already solved for you is which is the ventral and which is the dorsal elevation of this strangely featureless scaffolding. And I'm not talking about the dress.  Aside from the photo caption, you can use the model's toes as a North Star -- they almost always point toward the front.

Now the facts. I got this dress at Savers perhaps six years ago and have never worn it out of the house for fear of causing no stir whatsoever. The thought of exposing my solar plexus and no one knowing or caring, well...well, experience has shown, it's a bummer.  Also, it's probably wrong where food is being served. ANYHOO, the label says Cathy Hardwick, so as a value added program, I did some research on this Korean-born designer who moved to the U.S. in her teens and was the shit in the 1970s and again in 1985. In 1986, a super good-looking guy with perfectly maintained rugged yet urbane facial turf knocked on her door.  Following is a transcript of an interview with Tom Ford about that incident:

 FORD: I had always been fascinated with architecture because I like building things. So I went back to school and studied at Parsons and studied undergraduate architecture.

RAO: But, when you graduated, you couldn't get a gig.

FORD: No, not quite true. I drew up a fashion portfolio, banged on everyone's door on Seventh Avenue, said I'd just graduated from Parsons, here's my portfolio. I never said that I had only studied architecture. So, I misled people a bit. And I pursued a woman called Cathy Hardwick.  And she gave me my first job. She later told me she liked the shape of my hands and that's why she gave me the job, not because I was a good designer or that I had a great portfolio. She said, "You know, you had very beautiful hands" - don't zoom in on my hands, they're not beautiful today. But anyway, that's how I got my first job.

Tom Ford was the head designer for the Cathy Hardwick label from 1986 to 1988.  Tom Ford famously went on to make Gucci the designer of record for American Balloons N Botox, LLC based on clothing that demanded careful grooming of the sternum (see above).  It would be well within the bounds of historical reconstruction to state that once Ford had (not) sewn up this breathable number with his beautiful hands, it was purchased by Elaine, of Elaine's, and was party to an all-night Boy George-fueled rave. Soon after that, Elaine had some technical difficulties, kneecaps became the body part du jour and the dress and its owner went out of circulation. Hazelden happened, which is the sole reason Minnesota's population is > 4. Following the rule of twenty years which states that any artifact or person not used in twenty years shall be donated, bing bang, we're at 2007, Lake Street Savers, and me and my sexually ambiguous frame walk in with $3.99 burning holes in my pockets.  There it is -- mystery solved. So this is all Tom Ford's fault.

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