Thursday, December 1, 2011

we are the pants

Isn't she the cutest? I may or may not have had a crush on her (mom on mom is one part icky but mostly all too rare because moms are too busy judging, tigering or drinking to form a crush, not that i would know, just an observation, h8ters).  Charm is part of her job as official spokesperson for the pants. She speaks for the pants. Actually the pants first spoke to me -- the crazy diagonal seam, the postmodern patch pocket, the unaccountably flattering fit (I mean, they are just art teacher sweatpants, right?).  Normally I don't roll with my J Jill-wearing sistas so i panicked and thought some crazy new hormonal imbalance was turning me on to loose elastic-waist shit with exposed seams. As a test, I averted my eyes to the other long-cardigan-with-one-ashtray-sized-handmade-button-rocking womyn in the room (oh snap, pottery sale), but no. Same old gag reflex accompanied by eye-bag twitching. Whew.
So i went to the QR code which is this swaddled woman (i recognize another chihuahua when i see one).  They're Universal Pants. and i was like, well they're not that big. No no.  That's the brand name of the pants, referring to how Universally flattering they are to every body (group hug, cue a stage full of has-been stars including Carole King, Carly Simon, Joni Mitchell, Whoopi Goldberg and Neil Diamond swaying and singing We Are The Pants to soaring orchestral backup). oh god, i'm all misty. ok ok, so will answer a lot of your FAQ but not this one, Q. what is Universal Pants' motto?
A. Impressively correct pants to the people -- no two alike. Allow me to enlarge. The reason these pants look and fit so awesomely is twofold (ha, that's sew punny!) -- they have no bulky side seams and they're bias cut so they hug and drape and forgive and forget like it's their job. which it is. Clothes cut on the straight are instruments of the devil the 2D accounting department. Clothes cut on the bias are partners with 3D human beans in our jumping-in-the-minivan-buying-tofurkey world.  Also who among us signed up for side-seam pockets that add another zip code to the hips? Not a part of Pants Universe. These clever angles allow prez and chief Panter, Liz Plambeck, the opportunity to boldly mix fabrics since she makes up the rules in Pants Universe. In fact, as a comrade in Universal Pants, you can ring Liz up at 612-824-2169, head on over to HQ which is near Lake Nokomis, pick your own fabrics from her vast selection and, bing bang, custom anti-sweat pants.
i'm over word count, overheated and underbrained. Anyhoo, just know it's not a hormonal calamity -- it's Universal Pants!

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