Sunday, November 20, 2011

a person not at the Mall of America

Let's review the number of ways this woman is a rebel, an outlier, marching to her own little drummer boy (this marks the official start of the dancing santa season). 
1. She is not, like every resident of the upper midwest and a significant percentage of Japan, at the MOA. 
2. She is looking cute, which is to say not succumbing to the slow death and national shame that is Uggs, despite the seasonal apocalypse that just happened.
3. She walked more than a block on that bumpy ice you see here without falling. 
That's a lot of individualism -- i salute you, nanuk, and hope you don't pull a groin muscle on the way back. Because i didn't either.
And now, since i have finally stopped swearing, i will tell you how i know that every resident of the upper midwest and a significant percentage of Japan is at the MOA. Yesterday, when it started sleeting and the roads were 100% ice covered, i decided to run a bunch of errands, ending with a quick trip into the big blue maw of hell that is Ikea to return a twin bottom sheet made of 12 thread count burlap that i never took out of the package that would undoubtedly net me a handy $1.97. or maybe just store credit. worth it. Immediately after exiting 494, i encountered the 3-lane nonmoving line of very smart people waiting to rush into the MOA and buy the Limited sweater that probably won't pill and stretch out and make you look like a nocturnal invertebrate. At this very same moment, I realized my gas tank was empty and my bladder full. What to do? Since i was driving without a loaded firearm or adult diapers, my options were limited to crossing four lanes of traffic, going the wrong way for just the tiniest block(s) and maintaining a stream of cursing unbroken by even one nonswear word. Ikea is a four-letter word.
P.S. in rereading, i have just written and signed an affidavit of mental incompetence with every red flag waving -- poor judgment, paranoia, tenuous grasp on reality, driving sober, veering from one imagined enemy to another, reliance on foul language when a weapon would do. i need to run for office.

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