I like this woman. Not only because she didn't say, Euww no get away from me hideous sweating crone who appears to be wearing a laundry bag, although that's a big part of it. No, I like her because she actually clothes-ified an emotion and that emotion is this: Being holed up in a strictly climate-controlled space wearing only a sheen of sweat for a week straight. The appropriate response is cartoon red heels. And tights. You heard me, tights. And tap pants. And poppin lip gloss and eyeliner and palm frondy fake eyelashes. All of it.
Another reason I like this woman is that she was able to talk me through fake eyelash application, a door that has been closed to me along with all crafts, watch repair and most surgeries. This is life-giving knowledge, like knowing how to do a tracheotomy with a Bic pen. And now, I share these tips with you:
1. To get the strip of lashes right on the edge of your eyelid instead of sort of mid-way up like a caterpillar, don't close your eye. Tilt your head back and raise your eyebrows so you look like Nora Desmond, thus, a little deranged.
2. Start pressing the eyelashes down in the middle and go toward each end rather than a one-way smoosh.
3. If at this point you find you have effectively applied eyelashes to your finger rather than your eyelid, you've used too much glue. You could calmly wash the glue off of everything and start over, or you could say motherfucker ever so many times while transferring the little animal from one finger to another, finally shaking it off onto the floor, stepping on it and wearing it around on your shoe the whole day.