Coached

 

 Lookit-- jorts! No? Ok ok, sweet vintagey blouse, that's what's remarkable. Wrong again? Lacy earrings? Deliberately messy ponytail? i give up. it couldn't possibly be the iconic vintage Coach bag her aunt gave her.  or the out-of-frame professorial Coach briefcase she just scored at Everyday People. my bag ignorance is deep and wide my friends.

  Here's another thing i don't get -- intentional hair messiness. she has achieved it without a shadow of a doubt because there is six kinds of craziness going on at the top but by the time it gets to the bottom, it looks like it's been cut with a micrometer, it's that smooth and straight and behavin. thinking i'd be a natural at the messy ponytail, after scrubbing my head back and forth across a pillow (polyester foam) for eight hours, i scraped it all back in a binder that once held the newspaper. there were some stubborn bumps and the requisite disheveled look up top, but where her ponytail ends in sleek perfection, mine fuzzed out in the classic comic finger-in-electrical-socket way.  but more hideous and less funny. it also highlighted my eyebags that rival this woman's Coach holdings in total. 

this is an outrage. some tasteless person put this in my bag from Savers. who would do such a thing?

 is it a goth kids slip n slide? is it like a full-body scanner but less dignified? will it encourage bacterial flora? yes yes and yes! i was also at Everyday People trying to unload this gross miscarriage of fashion. Rejected. again. like me, you're probably puzzled as to why Everyday People would not welcome this into their Future of Air Travel section since it produces suspicious explosive-like bulges all over the place and makes pat downs a breeze. Like all bad things, this one is waiting for a a moment of weakness on the part of some consignment store. in the meantime, i'll be wearing it to the co-op, picking up some kale and whatnot.